Stars Go Kill My Eyes
by elloooooo Poppet
Summary: He stands on the stage, and he's done this about a thousand times. His eyes scan the pumped crowd, and he's done this about a million times. He tries not to drown in disappointment when she's not there, because she never is anyway.
1. Stars Go Kill My Eyes

**A/N: **Now a story in progress. Only the first two chapters are song fics based on the past, the rest will be set in their present.

Song: She's Got A Boyfriend Now by Boys Like Girls

_Italics_ is Puck singing, **Bold **is a memory.

Oh and I own absolutely **nothing**.

**Stars Go Kill My Eyes**

He stands on the stage, and he's done this about a _thousand_ times. His eyes scan the pumped crowd, and he's done this about a _million_ times. He tries not to drown in disappointment when she's not there, because she never is anyway. Ned, the drummer, throws his spare drumstick at the back to grab his attention, and it works.

Puck greets the crowd, hypes them up some more, smiles seductively at the groupies gathering at the front of the crowd and about two songs in, he feels it, like he always does. Because she's not there, and she's not smiling at him the way she used to when he locked eyes with her while he was on stage, directing every emotion he was feeling in her direction and it's just not the same. The rest of the guys notice, and they know.

The end of the third song and he announces; "This next song goes to my special girl. She knows who she is." And his fingers start strumming the guitar, playing the tune they're so familiar with, and the rest of the band just follows his lead, because they're used to it by now, and hell, the song isn't that bad.

_We were seventeen and invincible_

_Had the world figured out and the girl on my shoulders_

_Told me everything's gon' be alright_

_(Whoa-oh)_

_And everything was gonna be alright_

_(Whoa-oh)_

His eyes close, and he can picture her back then, so tiny and weird and pretty and ambitious and driven and all that other shit he never was. He can picture her perfect lips, her perfect curves, her perfect legs, her perfect smile and he can picture her there in the crowd, wearing a shirt with his band's name on it, he pretends it's real and she's there, and she's cheering him on like she used to.

"**That was a great performance." Rachel beamed at him and he grinned back. It was January of their senior year, and they were on winter break, and it's the band's first time on a stage that wasn't in Lima. They were in **_**Cleveland**_**, and yeah, they were totally getting their big break soon, he was sure of it. Finn, who drummed and occasionally sang, was sure of it. Matt, who acquainted himself with the bass guitar, was sure of it. Mike, who played the rhythm guitar, was sure of it. **

**Rachel wrapped her arms around his torso and rested her chin on his chest. Instinctively, his own arms enveloped her waist. "**_**Of course**_** it was, babe, did you expect anything else?" He said. Rachel rolled her eyes, "Your narcissism will screw you over one day, Noah." Puck didn't even try to contain his amusement; he chuckled and pressed his lips to hers. **

**In all honesty, Puck had never been happier. His band was going places, he and Rachel were going places, and he's thinking '**_**yeah, I could get used to this'**_**.**

_Yeah maybe we were in high school_

_But you never see the ending_

_When you're young and not pretending_

_Singing everything's gon' be alright_

_(Whoa-oh)_

_And everything was gonna be alright_

_Buried her deep inside_

_Stars go kill my eyes_

**It's May and her television is on, and it's making a whole lot of noise, and there's probably shit exploding on the screen, and that usually blows his fucking mind, but right now it doesn't matter 'cause his eyes are glued elsewhere. **

**Rachel's biting her lip, unsure of what comes next. His forehead is resting against hers and they're all intertwined. They just went all the way, and he's just looking at her. She's unnerved by the fact she can't decipher his thoughts, no matter how hard she searches his eyes. **

**He knows he **_**should**_** tell her what he feels right now, at this very moment. He knows he **_**could**_** tell her how he feels, and the words are there, lingering on his tongue, and he wants to tell her, he needs to tell her, but the three words that bubble from his lips aren't the ones he expected.**

"**New York, huh?" he whispers as his eyes close, so she can't see how much it hurts him.**

"**You could still come." Rachel says quietly, tracing the boxes that defined his stomach.**

**Originally, they were both going to New York after graduation and start college and their lives together, but the band's manager had arranged to go out to L.A to meet with a major record company who was very interested in their sound, and if they got signed, then they had to work at recognition and tours and whatever else bands did. **

**His sigh is enough of a response for Rachel. **

And god, how he wishes he'd told her he loved her, and that yes he'll follow her to the end of the world as long as she promises never to leave him. But back then, he didn't know what he knows now: he needs her. Back then, he couldn't fathom that he'd go years without seeing her, only knowing that she's always somewhere he can't be.

_Then I took a trip out of LA_

_For the girl with a smile that could take your breath away_

_I'm thinking everything's gon' be alright_

_(Whoa-oh)_

_And everything was gonna be alright_

_(Whoa-oh)_

**5 Months in LA and Rachel slips through his fingers, he suddenly doesn't have time for anything except the band. It's too much for Finn and Mike. They back out of the deal, and Puck doesn't hear from them for a while. Ned and Wilson, two guys who they were all cool with fill in and it's all cool. The deal goes through, and '**_**Virile' **_**is all over the world, breaking records, gaining millions of fans and money, but it isn't as thrilling as he thought it'd be. **

**Two years pass by in a blur because his head only thinks 'RachelRachelRachel', and if he writes a song it's for her, and if he sings, it's to her, and everything revolves around her, and she doesn't know it yet, and she just **_**has**_** to. **

**It's no surprise she's all over Manhattan. Even when he's dodging screaming girls and flashing cameras he realizes her name is everywhere, just like she said it would be. Her Pictures are dazzling the New Yorkers in every street corner, just like she said it would be. The reviews for the latest Broadway production praise her in every way, just like she said it would be. Now, he's going to find her and they can be together, just like she said it would be. **

_Maybe I thought I could sweep in and_

_Sweep her off her feet and go right back to Boston_

_Thinking everything's gon' be alright_

_(Whoa-oh)_

_And everything was gonna be alright_

_(Whoa-oh)_

_The streets keep holding on but now she's so far gone_

**He buys a ticket to the musical, right in the front row. The musical begins and he wonders if she'll spot him. Eventually, she does, and the note she's singing falters, and she prays no one noticed but the gasps in the crowd tell her otherwise. **

**Puck has to pull a hell of a lot of strings to get to her dressing room. He knocks, and he hears a soft 'Come in', so he does. Rachel's standing in front of her vanity. Her reflection locks eyes with him for a second, and she turns around to face him as he shuts the door behind him. **

"**Hey." He says with a lazy smirk. **

**Rachel cocks her head to the side, leaning her elbows on her vanity top. She examines him before murmuring a hello.**

**And his grin falters, because she's so…quiet. **

**He's leaning against the door, and she's still leaning against her vanity. He's observing her as she gathers newfound interest in her shoes. Puck decides that he loves her hair when it's all curled and loose like that, and that corset costume she's wearing is definitely a sight. **

"**What are you doing here?" She finally asks.**

"**I've come to collect my claim." Puck grins, but Rachel's not amused. **

**Her eyes narrow and she marches towards him.**

**She shakes her head, and shoves him with surprising strength. "You are an imbecile!" She says through clenched teeth.**

**Puck's a little taken aback, because he might not know what he was expecting but it certainly wasn't this. Her lips quiver, and she's got this look in her eyes that makes him feel like shit. Now he's the one who's focusing on his shoes and he's got his hands in his pockets, and he's thinking '**_**when did everything turn to shit?'**_** but even he knows the answer to that question, and he's just not gonna go there. **

"**I am an imbecile." He repeats, and yeah, it sounds about right.**

**Rachel purses her lips, and she looks so…well…gorgeous and loveable, yet deadly and scary. **

"**I'm a very busy person, Puck or Noah, or whatever you go by at the moment,, and not to sound rude, but I don't leave people stringing along without notice." She gives him a meaningful look, and he winces. **

"**It wasn't like that, Rach, I-"**

"**I never said it was, and I believe the appropriate manner in which to address a respectable young woman, such as myself, would be 'Miss Berry', anything else would highly offend me." **

**Was she fucking serious? He didn't know, and he didn't want to ask. Silence falls upon them as Rachel moves about her room, gathering whatever she gets her hands on, and it's not until her cell phone makes a beeping sound that his eyes wander to its location on the table, joined with a big bouquet of roses. **

"**Adoring fans?"Puck asks, nodding in their direction. **

**Rachel bites her lip and finally faces him again. She's not really sure what to say, because she gave up on him a long time ago, and she never imagined she'd ever have this conversation with him. Although she's planned this moment ever since the day he left, seriously she has a speech that she's rewritten over and over again, but they all said the same thing: You're a Coward.**

"**Yes, Finn claims to be my biggest fan." She says, showing the hint of a smile.**

**It takes him a minute to react, because **_**what the fuck**_**? Finn dropped the band to stab him in the fucking back? He doesn't realize he said it aloud until she turns red, and she looks more pissed than the time he sided with Mr. Shue on letting Kurt sing a solo.**

"**You're such a freakin' hypocrite! Have you forgotten all the events that transpired in high school?" And though she starts out screaming, she can't help but whisper the last part, because she thinks something will break inside her if he didn't.**

**And Puck's just stuttering, because what a fucking question. Quinn + Puck = Drizzle, who never actually got to be named by her birthparents, because Quinn just had to pick the couple insisting on a closed adoption, and thinking about that shit hurt. Then there was Finn's look when he saw Rachel and Puck walking down the hallway, hands intertwined. Which just reminds him of he and Rachel when they were all smiles and kisses and cuddling and crap. Then he realizes that her question can be interpreted in two ways, and he's not risking giving her the wrong answer.**

"**He loves me." She says quietly.**

"**Do you love him?" Puck gulps.**

**She laughs bitterly and replies "Does it matter?"**

**He doesn't know what that means, and he's sure as hell not sticking around to find out. Puck decides it's time to go back to California.**

_Now she's got a boyfriend_

_And I've got a rock band_

_Cause nothing really ever goes the way it's planned_

_Yeah she's on the east coast and I'm on some back road_

_Driving to the city and then who knows_

_Cause that's all she wrote_

_I wish that I could turn this car around_

_But she's got a boyfriend now_

Now he realizes he shouldn't have left. He should've went back in there and told her that he fucking loves her. Would've saved him 3 years and a half of what ifs and maybes and heartbreak and a letter from her calling him a fucking coward.

_Now I'm 23 and invincible_

_Got the world figured out and a bird on my shoulders_

_Told me everything's gon' be alright_

_(Whoa-oh)_

_And when is everything gonna be alright?_

**10 Girlfriends, innumerable groupies, 730 glasses of tequila, and a year after that encounter, he swears he **_**feels **_** her in the crowd, and he catches a glimpse of her hair, and he could almost swear he's delusional. **

**He tells the guys backstage after the show. Ned simply walks over to him, places a sympathetic hand on his shoulder and says, "Dude, shut the fuck up." Then shakes his head, and exits the room.**

"**I think what Ned meant to say is that you need to let it go." Wilson speaks up. "Besides, have you seen all the honey bunnies out there? Take your pick, man, and forget her, she's not worth it. "**

And after mumbling, "She is." He never talks about her directly to them again.


	2. Coming Undone

**A/N: **I know I said this would just be a two-shot, and I tried to resist buuttt Rachel got very demanding and wanted to speak her piece, so I'm guessing that that this is a three shot now. Song: The Way I Loved You by Taylor Swift. BTW, writing the Finn part was hard. 'Cause like… Finchel just sounds ugly. xD

**Coming Undone**

She stroked Finn's hair gently as he slept with one arm around her, and the other under his pillow. She closed her eyes and sighed, because this wasn't the first time she caught herself thinking about he-who-must-not-be-named while she was with another man. It wasn't the first time Finn whispered those words in the dark either, the ones that always broke her and made her feel guilty. The guilt reminded her that she didn't love him. God, how she tried to love him and be _anything _he deserved, but quiet moments like this just made her think and think and think and she ends up remembering the day she found out _**he**_ left.

**Four days before graduation and they fight. The biggest fight they've ever had. To tell the truth? She doesn't even remember what started it as he's spitting words out that cut her to the core and she's trying so hard not to cry, and she's just trying to find a way to **_**hurt **_**him at least half as much but she just can't, because she's not like that. She loves him too much, she **_**loves**_** him. **

"**Rachel, I know you're a fucking control freak, but I'm not yours to fucking control!"**

"I'm not trying to control you, Noah! I'm simply giving you advice, trying to help you, but as always, you're dismissing any form of help anyone has to offer. The problem isn't that I'm controlling, the problem is that you don't trust anyone! How can we have a relationship if you don't _**trust **_**me?"**

Now he's spitting out every word in the Urban Dictionary and asking her what the fuck she's talking about and his tone gets colder, and his gaze is icier and he just keeps going and going and she feels a tear run down her cheek and just as he says "Sometimes I don't even know why I bother." Her heart drops. But instead of insulting him with the million and one words she knows, she answers his spiteful words honestly. "I love you, Noah." And he kind of just blinks at her. Once. Twice. And by the fifth time, she's sure his eye is twitching. He doesn't say anything, just rushes out the back door.

**Three days fly by, because all she does is lay around on her bed with her new best friends Ben and Jerry, watching television. He doesn't call. Not once. And she promised herself she wouldn't but she does anyway. She gets dressed. She gets in her car. She goes to look for him.**

**She doesn't react when his truck isn't in the driveway. Doesn't react when his sister answers the door. Doesn't react when she sees the pitying look on his mother's face. Doesn't react when she hears her say, "Noah left to California two days ago, sweetie." In Fact, she doesn't react until she's at home, in her pajamas, watching the ending of Titanic on her bed. As of then, that's the last time she cried. Because after that, nothing felt half as bad.**

Rachel doesn't forget how it came down to Finn laying on her bed, rather than _the other one_. She always feels the burden of it all on her shoulders, and the pain doesn't ease. Ever.

_He is sensible and so incredible_

_And all my single friends are jealous._

_He says everything I need to hear _

_And it's like I couldn't ask for anything better._

_He opens up my door and_

_I get into his car and he says _

_you look beautiful tonight. _

_And I feel perfectly fine._

"**Hey, Rach!" Finn greets her as she opens the door to her condo, a big ol' doofy smile on his face, and she can't help but smile back at him. **

"**Finn! You didn't tell me you were coming to New York!" She says, as he leans in to a hug that she accepts. And yes, she expected to know if he was coming to New York, because they still kept in touch, mostly because it was the closest she got to **_**that other guy**_**.**

"**Neither did I." He says, and she just kind of looks at him, because that reply didn't make any sense whatsoever. He kind of catches on because his face scrunches up in thought.  
"I meant, I didn't know I was coming until I got to the airport and decided that I didn't want to go back to Lima just yet." He started fidgeting a bit and added, "I missed you Rachel, and I wanted to see you."**

**At first they were just friends. Finn introduced her to all his people as 'my dazzling diva'. He came to all her shows, no matter what. He never forgot to bring her a dozen roses, and give each of her female co stars –who looked like they had a case of the green eyed monster - a single rose each. **

**One night, after one of her shows, he kissed her. It was a shy, soft little kiss, but it was a kiss nonetheless. He kind of smiled and said, "God, I waited a long time for that."  
Rachel blinked a few times. She finally realized that Finn **_**wanted **_**her. Was it selfish of her to just want to be wanted for a change? So she went in for another kiss. And another. And another, until the intensity of the kisses made her lose track, as well as her head. The next thing she realizes his hands are on her stomach, under her shirt, and he whispers hotly in her ear, "I'll do anything to make you love me again Rach."  
**  
And those words kill her every time she hears them, because they make her feel bad enough that he knows she doesn't love him, and surely, he knows who the object of her affection is. What makes it worse though, is that she wishes those words were being whispered by another set of lips, lips that were too far for even her to reach. She tries hard to _try_ to love Finn. Tries hard to _want_ him. But she doesn't feel passion; she feels the illusion of it. She thinks that for now, that's enough to keep them both going.

_He respects my space_

_And never makes me wait_

_And he calls exactly when he says he will._

_He's charming and endearing _

_And I'm comfortable._

**The first show Finn couldn't attend and the unthinkable happens. **_**He**_**'s there in the front row, and he's all happy and it just infuriates her because, **_**what the hell?**_**  
She's looking at herself in the mirror, trying not to kill something when he slips in.  
And she finds she's not prepared for it. Not even because she's planned this moment a million times in a million different ways.**

Her phone buzzes, and she remembers Finn told her he was going to make it up to her by taking her out after the show. Puck points out the roses, and she doesn't exactly know how to go about telling him, so she says, "Yes, Finn claims to be my biggest fan." She tries to smile in affection, but she knows she's not succeeding.

He's quiet for a minute and then blurts out, "_**What the fuck**_**? Finn dropped the band to stab me in the fucking back?" And now she's fuming, and within the span of 2 seconds over 93 different insulting words pop into her head, but she goes deeper, "You're such a hypocrite! Have you forgotten all the events that transpired in high school?"**

When she thought of it she meant that he wasn't such a great friend to Finn, what with his whole Quinn issue, but then she realized that what if he didn't think about _**anything**_** that happened in High School anymore? Even **_**her**_**? But he was here wasn't he? When he doesn't say anything, she doesn't take it as a good thing, and she decides to inform him on why Finn is good for her, and he isn't.**

"**He loves me." She says quietly. "Do you love him?" His voice penetrates the renewed silence. She's surprised he actually asked her that question. She wants to tell him desperately that she needs him, not Finn. That she loves him, not Finn. But she's been there and back, and she's not about to run that risk again, so instead she laughs without any real humor and says, "Does it matter?"**

His eye does that twitchy thing she recalls, and he doesn't say anything, just rushes out the door.

An hour later, Finn shows up, and she's crying on the floor and he doesn't understand, and she doesn't let him understand, she just sort of pushes him away and tells him to go home, that she'll be there in a little while. He's reluctant to leave her, but she insists. He kisses her forehead and murmurs, "I love you" before he leaves. And she cries even harder. Because it's that day all over again, except this time guilt is the perfect little cherry on top. 

_He can't see the smile I'm fakin'._

_And my hearts not breakin'_

_Cause I'm not feelin' anything at all._

_And you were wild and crazy._

_Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated, _

_got away like some mistake._

**Virile is playing down in Pennsylvania, so damn close to New York, so Rachel goes. She tells Finn that Amaya, the closest friend she has, just has to go to Philadelphia and see the Andy Warhol Museum, having just found out about it and all. Finn nods and jokes about Amaya's newfound obsession with the guy and he's amused at how hilarious she finds it. Which she honestly doesn't.**

**All the while she yells at herself, telling herself she's hurting Finn and that she's a masochist and she should just jump off the empire state building if she wanted to feel pain, but she can't talk herself out of it, because she's halfway there.**

The crowd's energy is rubbing off on her, is her best explanation for how excited she is. As much as she wants to, she doesn't go to the front. She stays in the very middle, where she can be as hidden as possible. She's here to see _**him**_**, not the other way around.**

The first person on the stage is Matt, and she's smiling really wide, because despite the fact he's a _**reminder**_**, this is a good thing. Rachel can just pretend it's back in the day, when the four of them looked for her in the crowd, just to feel a sense of familiarity. The rest of the band gets on the stage, and she sees Puck. Her stomach twists into knots, and she feels like crying with sadness, and laughing with joy at the same time. **

**Puck grips the microphone into his hand and introduces the band. Rachel watches every move he makes and when he starts singing she melts, and to her intense dissatisfaction so does every other female in the room. The beat picks up and everybody's jumping and singing along, and she's kind of mesmerized by how good they sound, and she joins in the jumping and she's having **_**fun**_**.**

The beat suddenly stops, and Puck glances around a little nervously. "This next song goes to my special girl. She knows who she is." He says into the microphone. That's when she snaps back into reality. They're not in high school and in love anymore. In fact, by the sound of It he's moved on. He strums his guitar and she covers her ears, because she certainly does not want to hear anything about this girl whose currently receiving all the attention in his life. It's her turn to rush away from him. It's finally her turn to turn around and leave without saying a word.

****_And now I, _

_I miss screamin', and fightin', and kissin' in the rain_

_it's 2am and I'm cursin' your name._

_I'm so in love that I acted insane. _

_And that's the way I loved you. _

_Breakin' down and comin' undone_

_it's a roller coaster kinda rush._

_And I never knew I could feel that much._

_And that's the way I loved you._**  
**

**When she gets home, she adjusts herself on Finn's lap, and presses her lips to his, she feels his reluctance, so she breaks away, eyes still closed and whispers, 'I love you.' She attacks his body again, and Finn doesn't fight it.**


	3. Sticks and Stones

**Sticks and Stones**

"**What will it be like, Noah?" Rachel murmurs against his chest. They're in the bed of his truck in the middle of the woods. It was a random night, and they chose to come out here to look up at the stars. It was right before the band started taking over his life.  
"What will what be like?" Puck asked, just as gently, stroking her hair.  
"New York."**

Puck rolls his eyes because he's pretty sure she has everything mapped out for the rest of forever, so he has no idea why she'd need him to say anything about it. In fact, he hadn't thought about it at all. "Who knows." Puck makes an attempt at shrugging off her question.

"Humor me Noah." Rachel says, turning her head so that her doe brown eyes met his.  
He can't really resist now. He sighs and thinks for a moment, unsure of what to say.  
"Well…we'll stroll into that fucker and…live there." Rachel narrowed her eyes.  
"And…we'll live in an apartment building, on the top floor because I don't want no fucking banging on my ceiling, that shit won't fly. Uhh, you'll be there. You're going to make jaws drop and wow people and I'll…find something useful to do with my life by then."  
"Noah…" Rachel whispers his name, and cups his face. A quick scan of her facial expression and Puck knows that she's gonna start.

They've had the conversation about _**his**_** future a few times, but it never really got them anywhere.**

"Don't Rach, just…look, the only useful thing I can think of is being with you, okay? For now, that's enough."

Puck slams the magazine down on the end table as hard as he can. He closes his eyes and leans his head back on the couch and curses himself, and his existence.

"I told you not to buy the fucking magazine man." Ned says, putting a cup of coffee down in front of Puck and taking a seat on the couch opposite of him. "And I fucking told you _not_ to read the fucking article. Fucker, you never listen to me, this is why you're always fucked."

"I don't understand how you can use fuck in so many ways." Puck replies, taking a sip of his cup.

Ned raises a brow, "You're avoiding the subject fuckface."

"Ned, can you _please_ cool it with the language?" Wilson shouts from the kitchen.

Ned rolls his eyes, "Anyway, what'd the article say?"

"Young Broadway Star Rachel Berry is rumored to be engaged to her beau Finn Hudson. A close source, who wouldn't give us a concrete answer told us they're very much in love, and it'd only be a matter of time'." Puck recites with his head in his hands.

"What the fuck, man? Did you seriously memorize that shit? Crazy little fucker you are." Ned says, turning on the TV.

Puck rolled his eyes and sighed, although Ned was a good listener, he wasn't a helper.

"Is Finn really a better option than me?" Puck wonders out loud.

"Fuck yeah; you left the girl high and dry, man. Didn't even write back to her fucking letters. I would've made you swallow your own dick if it were me. " Ned says half distracted by the giant boobs on the television screen.

Puck's eyes narrow as Wilson walks in and throws a punch at Ned's arm. "Stupidity leak, dumbass!" Wilson says before turning to Puck. "What I _hope_ Ned is trying to say, is that you hurt her pretty bad and you haven't really tried to fix it."

"EUREKA!" Ned says, snapping his fingers, and nodding at Wilson.

"But I _have_ tried. She won't let me." Puck groaned.

"Man the fuck up." Ned retorts.

Wilson sighs, "He means you need to try harder."

-X-

Rachel's eyes widen as Amaya read the article that featured her and apparently, her unannounced marriage proposal.

"I don't believe you, pass it here!" Rachel exclaimed, praying that Amaya was pulling some kind of prank.

Amaya exchanged a look with Santana, and passed the magazine to Rachel. Rachel's eyes read, and re-read the small little paragraph on the bottom of the page.

"OH MY GOD! What's Finn going to say? What if he actually proposes thinking this was some kind of hint?" Rachel gasped, "Oh my god…I can't marry Finn."

"Rachel, relax. You don't have to marry anyone. It's just a rumor on a magazine." Santana said, attempting to shrug off the whole situation.

"She shouldn't be with someone she can't marry in the first place San." Amaya said quietly.

Rachel's head snapped in Amaya's direction, nostrils flaring and all.

"Amaya, darling, we all know how sensitive you are, but Rachel can fuck whoever she wants, regardless of whether or not she wants to marry them." Santana said, giving her a pointed look.

"Of course she can sleep with anyone she wants to, that's not what I'm saying. What she's doing to Finn is unfair!" Amaya voice rang throughout the room.

Santana's mouth opened to respond, but Rachel's quiet words stopped her. "You don't think I know that?"


	4. Sorrows Learn to Swim

**I'm sorry, you probably hate me :3.  
I FINALY HAVE A LAPTOP SO I CAN DO WHAT I WANT AND HAVE CONSTANT INTERNET ACCESS.  
And BTW, I updated chapter 3.  
Only two, maybe three more chapters 'til the end WOOT.**

**

* * *

**

**Sorrows Learn to Swim**

When Puck gets his hands on the invitation he almost collapses to the floor. It's an invitation to the Tony Awards. Seems Virile has been getting enough attention to be invited to award ceremonies now. They'd been to the VMAs, KCAs, AMAs, but he'd never imagined being invited to something so…prestigious. At least, half prestigious. Whatever.

"**Woah, woah, shut up for a second, who the fuck is Tony?" Puck asks through clenched teeth. It was around the beginning of their relationship, and Rachel was chatting away on his bed while he checked his Facebook. He'd heard the name at least three times in her little monologue, and he wasn't very pleased.  
Rachel frowned, "What are you talking about, Noah? And I don't appreciate your use of vocabulary. Watch your mouth, at least in my presence, and I resent being told to-"  
Puck towered over her now, "Tony! Who the fucking fuck is Tony? You said his name 300 times!"**

**Rachel thought for a second, reviewing what she'd been saying. She'd been talking about being nominated on award shows, and…Tony's! Of course. As she made the realization, she giggled at his antics. Puck however, was not amused, he narrowed his eyes and clenched his fists. He stomped back over to his computer. He was going to find this Tony. Surely he had a Facebook?**

**As he clicked away furiously, Rachel placed her gentle hands on his shoulders, and began massaging them. "Noah.." Rachel waited for a response. When seconds passed and she received none, she tried again, "Oohh, Noooaaahhh." She said in a sing song voice. She got a grunt in response. She giggled some more. "Tony isn't a person." Puck turned his chair around to face her with a puzzled expression. **

"**Funny that the thing that captured your attention was a boy's name. Even though I should be a least a little annoyed that you weren't listening at all, I am too amused by your assumptions." Rachel said, sitting on his lap with a grin on her face.**

**Puck rolled his eyes, wrapping an arm around her, despite his confusion. "What the fuck are you going on about?" **

"**A Tony is an award, Noah."**

**Rachel watched his facial expressions, when it finally settled on realization and embarrassment, she laughed. He couldn't help but smile at her. **

**Rachel gave him a chaste kiss on the lips, but Puck wasn't having it. In a second, the kiss turned heated and his fingers knotted in her hair. Her hands gripped his shoulders. And as his tongue was granted entrance, he realized that making out on a tiny computer chair just wouldn't do.**

**He carried her to the bed, bridal style, and their make out session resumed. She straddled and grinded against him as his hands sneaked higher, and higher under her shirt. Rachel, always straight to the point, broke the kiss and smirked at him as her hands found his, leading his hands up to her breasts. That was the day he learned Rachel had a birthmark underneath her left nipple. **

He knows before he's inside that the guys are in the penthouse because Ned's pants are on the floor outside of the elevator. "You fuckers need to stop breaking into my house." Puck's voice echoed throughout the large living space.

Matt laughs, shaking his head and plopping down on the sofa. "Sorry man, those two were fucked up, I couldn't get them to each of their houses. We were at the bar down the block, and your ass wasn't home. Good shit." Matt gulps down some of his coffee while Puck glared.  
"Sorry, man, shit happens. Where were you anyway?"  
"I was fucking." Puck replies smoothly, ripping open the envelope of the invitation.  
"What's that?" Matt asked.  
"Tony's. You'd know if you fucking went home every once in a while."

Matt ignored the second half of Puck's statement and thought about what an invitation to the Tony's meant for Puck. As well as for the band. For Puck it was an opportunity, a chance, if he played it right. For the band it was merely exposure, an introduction to a new audience.

Ned walked into the room, in only his boxers. His disheveled hair looked greasy and disgusting. "We're invited to the Grammy's? Fucking sweet."

Puck shook his head, leaving him in the hands of Matt and went to take a shower.

-X-

"Listen bitch, the Tony's are in two weeks. Your agent said your ass needs to gain some weight before your fans freak the fuck out and call you anorexic." Santana said, letting herself into Rachel's room, Amaya trailing behind her.

"The term 'bitch' isn't endearing in the slightest, I wish you wouldn't call me that." Rachel groaned, pressing a pillow onto her face as Santana opened the curtains, letting the sun into the room.

"Where's Finn? Heard from him?" Rachel heard Amaya ask. Finn was the last thing on Rachel's mind, he'd been acting awkward since the gossip article, and she hasn't done jack to try and fix it. The article had come at a bad time and only made matters worse for her.

"Who knows, who cares, help me get this bum out of bed." Santana plopped down on Rachel's bed, shaking her. "It's nearly twelve Rachel, you don't even have a dress, you haven't rehearsed, I don't even think you've taken a shit in days."  
"That's disgusting." Amaya made a sour face.  
"That's none of your business." Rachel's muffled voice exclaimed through the pillow.

As Santana sighed out of exasperation Amaya took the reins, "Rachel, don't you get it? They're threatening to cut you from the performance if you don't get it together, and if you get cut from the performance, the director will cut you from the show. If you get cut from the show you'll be jobless!"  
"Who cares!" Rachel whined.  
"We care, Rachel. You won't talk to us, you haven't left your room in days. Think about it Rachel, even your dads are coming in to watch you perform on the Tony's. This could be your only chance to do something that big!" Amaya said gently, stroking her hair for comfort.

Santana rolled her eyes, she hated Amaya. No, not really, Amaya was her bitch, just like Rachel, but Amaya was the most sensitive out of the trio, and Santana was her complete opposite. Santana zoned out of Amaya's idea of comfort, which was too mushy if you asked her, and thought about getting her iPod, maybe some good tunes would put Rachel in a good mood.

"THIS ISN'T ABOUT FINN! JUST STOP! GO AWAY." Rachel's shout brought Santana back to the situation at hand. Amaya looked like she was about to cry, and fuck, Santana hated to see either off these bitches cry.

"Baby, go make us something heavy, Rach needs to gain at least three pounds today." Amaya nodded, and walked out of the room. "Now you," Santana turned to Rachel. "What in fuck's sake is your problem, you know you can't yell at her like that!"

Rachel shook her head. "I know, I'm just…I don't know."  
"This is about Puck, isn't it?"  
"Why would it have to do with Puck at all? He's long gone."  
"That shithead should be long gone. He isn't though…not to you." There was a moment of silence. "I know what you did. I know where you went. I tried to keep Amaya out of Finn's way for you. But baby, you can't do that shit. Ever again."  
Rachel nodded. "It wasn't even worth it, he has a girlfriend."  
"You talked to him?" Santana sounded disgusted.  
"No, he just said it out into the audience. I left."

Whenever she looked back on it, she didn't believe it really happened it hadn't seemed real until now, saying it out loud. In the wee hours of that morning she'd gotten home, completely disoriented. She'd needed to forget about it, she knew Finn would instantly feel something was wrong. So she said the three little words to him, and he gave in. He pleasured her, again and again, he was so happy. But she wasn't. It helped though. After that he'd say I love you, and she'd say it back, as expected. His own mother probably started the marriage rumor.

It's getting to her now though. All the lies she'd told, insinuated, felt for Finn, were eating her up inside. The fact that Noah didn't want, or need her was killing her. She took one day off, she said she needed a day to reflect. Feeling even worse, that day led to another, and another, then another. She lost track after a while. She was drowning, and she didn't know how to surface.

-X-

"How long has it been since we checked out the Honey Bunnies in New York?" Wilson exclaims, grinning out the window.

"Will, we don't want bitches swarming the Limo, roll up your window." Matt says.

Puck chuckles, as Wilson rolls up his window reluctantly. Wilson's usually the voice of reason, except for the times he's surrounded by girls. That's when Wilson turns into a PG-13 Ned and Matt turns into Wilson. It's weird, but it works.

"Ask me how many bitches I wanna fuck tonight!" Ned says, taking a shot of an expensive looking bottle. Ned never changed.

"No one cares Ned. In fact, you shouldn't do shit tonight. We have places to be after the awards. Put that bottle back where you found it, I don't want you falling on your face before we even get there." Matt says, attempting to take the bottle away unsuccessfully as Ned holds it slightly out of his reach. "I do whatever the fuck I want Matt." Ned retorts.

Puck pays little to no attention to what's going on in the Limo. He needs to think about his options tonight. He has no doubt she'll be there. She''ll probably be draped over Finn. Should he talk to her? Probably not. He probably will anyway, 'cause he's just that fucked up. After that last encounter in her room he swore to stay out of her life, although he considered going to find her sometimes. It wasn't until he saw a real opportunity, where they'd both be thrown together, that he wondered if maybe he should do something about their Once Upon A Time. If anything, he just needed closure.

The door to the limo was held open, and Wilson slid out first. Ned and Matt followed. Puck gulped and joined the rest of the band. This wasn't the first time, but Puck couldn't get used to it. The screaming, the hands reaching out to touch him, the pens and papers, the other celebrities, the cameras, the flashing, the talking. The boys struck poses for a few pictures, signed a few autographs, made small talk with the interviewers, all the while Puck kept an eye out for Rachel. After spending enough time on the carpet, the boys made their way into the venue. "I'm hungry like shit, let's eat." Ned announced, heading towards the food court, Wilson right behind him. Puck stayed put and Matt patted his arm.  
"Don't do anything stupid." Matt gave him appointed look and took off in the direction Ned and Wilson disappeared.

Puck wandered around, not sure what to do. He was too anxious to eat without throwing up, and it wasn't even like he had a performance. He was too pumped to go into the auditorium and sit, besides he'd have to sit for a long ass time. He made his way to the lobby again when he finally saw a familiar face.

He smirked, catching her eye, and winked. She scowled. He gave himself the pleasure of checking her out as she made his way over to him. She was wearing the very description of little black dress. It barely reached her thighs, strapless, and hugged all her curves. For all her scantily clad appearance, her hair was in an elegant bun, and she'd gotten bangs. She looked really fucking different. Good different.

"Stop checking me out Puckerman, you're drooling. What the fuck are you doing here?" Santana quipped, her hands on her hips, her lips were pursed in annoyance, and there was a woman clinging to her side. While Santana looked like a high end whore, the girl looked like she came straight out of a 50's movie. A bright yellow sundress look that had Puck briefly wonder if she was trying to look like that Swift girl. Whatever.  
"I was formally invited." Puck shrugged. "What the fuck are _you_ doing here? New girlfriend?" Puck motioned towards the girl.  
Santana rolled her eyes. "I have connections, Dipshit. And this girl right here is my bitch. Don't look her up and down like that. You don't stand a chance."  
"You're not going to introduce us?" Puck cocked a brow.  
"Fuck no, I don't plan on seeing your ass again after this, and neither does she."  
"I'm Puck, lead singer of Virile." He extended his hand, and saw her eyes grow wide.  
"That's enough." Santana pushed Amaya away from his extended hand. "Get the fuck out of here Puck."

Puck watched them stalk away, feeling a little stung. He was just trying to be friendly, if anything, have someone to talk to that wasn't one of those three fuckers while he stayed in New York for the next few days. Fuck it, Santana was always a bitch anyway. He sighed and looked around, hoping Rachel hadn't walked past him in the past few minutes while he was in a waste of an encounter.

-X-

"That's Puck?" Amaya's eyes were bugged out.  
"Don't fucking tell Rachel, she'll flip." Santana said, leading Amaya to Rachel's room backstage.  
"We have to tell her! Don't you see? It's perfect, she could talk to him and let it all out, and then she'll finally be okay. She needs closure San!" Amaya exclaimed.  
"Look Maya, you don't know them like I do. They'll destroy each other, and destroy themselves in the process."


	5. Lightning Don't Strike Twice

Puck takes a seat in between Ned and Wilson and mentally prepares himself for a _long_ show. Ned was half drunk and Wilson was high off the sights (the tits and the asses).  
"Psst, hey Puck!" Ned nudged his elbow.  
"What?"  
"Get your fucking arm off the motherfucking armrest, I need it."  
"No."  
"Move motherfucker."  
"Shit Ned, No."  
"NO PUCK I WILL NOT LET YOU SUCK MY -"  
Puck's eyes went wide, and he clamped a hand over Ned's mouth. Wilson sunk down in his seat, clearly embarrassed while Matt laughed away. After the people around them looked away, Puck slapped Ned in the back of the head.  
"What the _fuck_ is wrong with you!"  
"Puck, that fucking hurt."  
"It sure as hell wasn't supposed to feel good!"  
The exchange only attracted more attention.  
"Puck, let's switch seats." Wilson advised.  
"Fuck this shit." Puck got up and exited the auditorium.

There was some little girl singing a song that he assumed was from Annie, so he wasn't too interested in being in there anyway. Fucking Ned. Maybe now was the time to grab a bite, he was starting to feel a little hungry. Making his way to the cafeteria he wondered what kind of food they served here. Maybe they'll have some good ass chicken. Puck loved chicken. Fried chicken, baked chicken, chicken was chicken.

He was entering through the doors when someone tapped his shoulder. He turned to see the Swift Wannabe Woman who'd been following Santana around. He cocked an eyebrow, thinking _Take THAT Santana, this bitch totally wants a ride on the Puckzilla Express._

The woman smiled shyly and said, "Hi I'm Amaya. I don't know if you remember-"  
"Yeah, I remember you."  
"Oh."  
They were both silent as she looked at him, by the look on her face Puck assumed she was making some sort of decision. Whatever, she was taking too long and his stomach was growling.  
"So, uh, I have to go-"  
"Wait! I'm pretty sure we have a mutual friend that you'd be interested in sticking around for."  
Puck rolled his eyes, "Listen lady, Santana can suck my dick. That bitch is bipolar like shit, and I really can't deal with her right now." He began to walk away, when the little lady grabbed his arm.  
"Rachel."  
Puck whipped around and studied this Amaya character. "Rachel?"  
Amaya nodded.  
-X-

"I think you're gonna pull a Janet Jackson with that corset babe." Santana said, rubbing her lips in front of the mirror.  
"I think you need to stop putting on all my lipstick." Rachel barked, clearly annoyed.  
"I think that when your tits pop out, I need to take a picture. Where's your camera?"  
Rachel narrowed her eyes at Santana and resumed pacing, "Why is she taking so long? I need her to do my hair!"  
"That bitch is probably constipated; she's been in the bathroom forever." Santana says.  
"San, I am not in the mood for your crap right now, okay? Cut it out." Rachel huffed.  
Santana rolled her eyes and continued painting her face in the mirror.  
"Rach, I think I'm gonna steal some of these lipsticks, they look so expensive. Hey, aren't you supposed to have like, a prep team or something?" Santana asked, distracted.  
"I kicked them out an hour ago, they were making me look like a raccoon, and they tried to flatten my hair, that's why I need Amaya to come back and curl it!"  
"You really are a drama queen."  
"Santana, I love you, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, get the fuck out of my room."  
Santana turned to face Rachel with a grin, "What did you say?"  
"Please leave."  
Santana went over to give Rachel a hug, "Break a leg."

-X-

Amaya watched Santana exit the room from behind one of the wall columns and motioned for Puck to come forward.  
"What the fuck was Santana doing in there?" Puck asked, bewildered.  
"Rachel's in that room, listen, don't mention my name. At all. Rachel is on in 40 minutes, and I need at least 30 to do her hair, so I'm giving you 10, got it?"  
Puck hesitated.  
"Look Puck, I don't know you…like, at all. But for some reason, I think this is the right thing. Please don't prove me wrong. And be nice, she's on the edge. And please, PLEASE don't let Santana know, she'll kill me."

Puck watched as the petite young woman bounced away in the direction Santana took off. He took a deep breath, hovering outside her door. Now that he was here he wasn't so sure he could go through with this. After all, he'd tried this very same thing once before, and it bit him in the ass. SHIT, he completely forgot to ask that Amaya chick where Rachel stood with Finn, weren't they engaged or some shit like that? Fuck, 8 minutes left. Time to nut up or shut up. He knocked softly on her door.

"AMAYA I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!" Rachel screeched as she yanked open the door.  
"You're not Amaya…" Rachel mumbled, looking anywhere but at him.  
"No." He replied lamely, focusing on her varying facial expressions.  
She looked him in the eye then, staring him down.  
"Why do you insist in ruining the most important days of my life?" Her voice trembling in her rising anger.  
Puck did his best not to flinch, "I'm sorry."  
Rachel turned red. "You're sorry? Gee, thanks that should do it."  
"Look Rachel, we've been through so much shit, and it's not right."  
Rachel shrugged, "That's not my fault. In fact, the reason you're standing on that side of the door is because you slammed the one to your ego in my face."  
"My ego? What the fuck?"  
"You shut me out, Puck! I gave you everything that was mine, I gave it all without any second thoughts. Actually maybe you're right, maybe it is my fault. And then you left. You left me in the dust. It was humiliating and even worse, it was heartbreaking. Even _Quinn_ and _Santana_ pitied me. That was the worst part, the pitying looks everyone sent my way."  
"Shit Rach-"  
"I'm not done!" Rachel screeched, unable to hold in everything she's ever wanted to tell him this time, the tears freely marking their tracks on her face. "My dad's weren't even home for all of it, they're always off someplace or another, your own mother was my only confidant, and it sucked, it sucked because she was your mom and I didn't have any friends to go to. She always had me over for dinner and I would always hope that you would send me a message through her or come back home. And Ana! Somehow she got into her head that you and your dad left because of her. How to explain to her why you abandoned her, Noah? Nobody could get through to her - did you know she tried to kill herself?" At his stunned expression Rachel continued, "She took an overdose of your mom's sleeping pills. I had to drive her to the hospital thinking she was _dead_." She shook her head. "FUCK YOU PUCK, FUCK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU PUT ME THROUGH!" Rachel shrieked, pounding her fists on his person like a maniac.

Puck found he couldn't do anything but let her. If this was closure, it was shit. After a while, Puck didn't know how long, she stopped, and collapsed against him, crying into his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, unsure of what else to do or say. He thought about what she'd said, about his Ma and Ana. Now he felt guilty for never calling. He sent his mom a generous amount of money practically every week, he was pretty sure she didn't have to work anymore, but he felt too guilty to hold a conversation with her, or any of them, because he hadn't only left Rachel in the dust, he left the rest of them too.

Rachel, on her part, hated herself for weakening, but she couldn't fight anymore, she was tired, she was exhausted. She didn't want any feelings to linger, she just wanted to go through the rest of her days not feeling anything.

"I didn't know." He whispered into her ear. "About Ana. Thanks for telling me."  
"You would know if you tried to talk to people." Her voice muffled by his shirt.  
"I felt suffocated." He confessed.  
Rachel broke away from his embrace and narrowed her eyes at him.  
"You," He said with a bitter laugh "You were getting the fuck out of there. You were coming to New York and grabbing it by the balls. I had nothing going for me." Puck inched closer to her, cupping her cheek. "And then you told me you loved me." Rachel snorted and looked away. "And I realized that I'm a dick, and a dumbass, and all I was going to do was drag you down. And my ma, she wouldn't say it, but I knew she'd given up on me and I never told her about the band thing. I figured everyone would be better off if I'd left. You were right Rachel. I am a coward. I'm no different than my old man. And fuck Rach, I'm not asking for things to go back the way they were, I'm just asking for you to forgive. I know you have Finn or whatever, but for what it's worth…I love you. I've always loved you."

Rachel shook her head, backing away from him. "Lightning don't strike twice Noah."


End file.
